Roger Smalls

in trouble at work

2011-04-22T12:18:00.002+01:00

I was repremanded by my line manager yesterday and she said "If you were really sorry you wouldnt have done it in the first place". i am confused because if I didnt do something wrong in the first place there would be no need to be sorry.

I didnt have much choice as there was a massive queue for the toilets and I didnt want to be late back from my break. Apparently 2 more strikes and I'm out. i cannot afford to be out of work right now as i am already in debt and working all the hours that God sends just to stay afloat. with the econimcal climate the way it is i dont think ii could find another job easily.

If you ask me people who leave their shoes unattended are asking for it.

idea for olympics

2011-04-18T20:56:00.004+01:00

I have just been watching an interview with a nice lady about the olmpic bobslay team and have got a good idea.

I am not an expert in pyhysics or sport however i think that filling the bobsleigh with fat people would give them an advantage as they would go down the track faster due to the increased weight. In the same way throwing a bag of anvils off a bridge would land faster than a paper aireoplane, gravity would pull 5 obese people hurtling down a track faster than a carbon fibre shell full of a team of skinny people. And it would look funnier too, espciellay in lyrca.

I dont think it is fair that fat sportsmen should be restricted to playing darts and monstor truck racing although they may get stuck in the bobsleigh.

Kiss the egg

my thoughs on nuclear power

2011-04-07T22:54:00.005+01:00

it looks like japan has had another earthquake today. it makes me very sad. i also feel scared about the radiation and power plant that is going out of control. people say nuclear power is bad although this time last year i remember a few people were complaining about oil killing everything for 3 months. bp. you have to accept that whatever type of power you make there will always be casualties. if we want to drive cars, ovens and computerss we have to accept that you cant make an omlette without breaking a few eggs.

Prayer for energy

oil barons

staining the ocean

coal minors

trapped underground

windmill operators

waving your choppers

nuclear scientists

balding the locals

i take for granted

your discount heat

give me today cheap power

and do not kill too many innocent civilians

found my computer

2011-03-30T21:53:00.002+01:00

i hid my computer a while ago and forgot where. every internet site that i have to think of a new password suggests that my passwords are weak and easy to guess. i wanted to add an extra layer of security by hiding my netbook under the matress along with other my illicet material. i am happy and will be able to use the internet again.

Rusty Lee

2011-03-03T22:12:00.005Z

the problems in libya have been weighing on my mind recently. i wrote a poem some time ago which still rings true and brings comfort to those suffering human rights violations during these difficult times. it is called 'Rusty Lee'.

the evenings entertainment is a pub
costing money you dont have
giving you cancer you dont want
for where is the lonely persons muse?

do nothing in this den of sin to entertain
must i splay in bed?
listen to radiohead?
dare i suckle the electric teat of television?

locking my body in this fortress of semen
in the attic of a thousand faceless harletts
comforted only by the soft clasp of a warm tissue
rubbed vigorously against this flacid wand of protien
that shall never by touched by womens fair hand

unsheaf, release, erupt and ease
23 years of lonelyness, waiting, crying.
where is Rusty Lee when i needed the laughter?
where is Rusty Lee?

Apples child labour policy is nothing to be ashamed of

2011-02-15T21:35:00.005Z

today i read a story about Apple admitting that they use child labor to make their expensive iphones as though it is something to be ashamed off. Child labour isnt a bad thing, children have been doing paper rounds for ages so why isnt that frowned upon? the Americans have 'bring your child to work day' so why do they have to be racist when a Chinamen brings his kid and asks it to help out? Fish Finger magnate Captain Birdseye runs his operation using a boatload of young boys and no one complains.

Acceptable - Captain Birdseye

At least apple teaches children to make expensive things to give them a good start in life. when they leave apple and get their own factory they'll know how to build cheap ipods and not just dip kippers in breadcrumbs. i wish someone told me how to make an MP3 player as a child and i would be a rich man now. Even hollywood portrays kids in the workspace as a good thing with films such as Big, Oliver, Shindlers List, Shortround from Indiana Jones and Taxi Driver portraying children as capable employees. If they dont like it they can always jump off a building.

Acceptable - Child chauffeurs

tv charity

2011-02-13T22:13:00.001Z

a commericial for a charity for blind people is asking for thousands of pounds a month to look after guide dogs. i think the blind are being ripped off, dog food only costs 30p a can.

protest like an egyptian

2011-02-10T21:19:00.008Z

i dont know why the stalemate is still going on in egypt nor why it is still headline news. nothing has changed since all the protests started yet i keep seeing the same picture of all the people in the square having a riot. it just looks like new years eve in trafalgar square every day, nothing new to see.

unimaginative

they have all been there long enough to be more organised and they seem to have cheaper access to twitter than i do, so there is no excuse to do something better. groups of people should stand in formation to spell out some words to get their message across like the crowds in football matches. if i was their president i would probably leave if i saw that.

egyptians are missing a great opportunity with the worlds media filming them to put on a nice display

luton riots

2011-02-06T12:52:00.004Z

i am confused by the racist riots in luton on the news. the racists are waving signs saying 'BAN THE BURKA' but they are wearing masks and hoodies so you cant see their faces. these people are sending out very mixed messages.

nun costumes look similar to burkas but no one complains about them, in fact i think they look pretty hot.

spraying men

2011-01-27T20:11:00.003Z

i am just watching the news on the riots in eygpt and noticed they are using water cannons. i always wondered about why riot police use water canons, espiecially in a hot country where i thought it would be quite nice to be cooled down. if you watch Ibiza Uncovered which is also based in a hot country even the girls seem to be up for being hosed down in white tshirts. water is a nice fluid, but it is also very expensive and rare in the desert.

you can buy bottled water for 3 pounds in some shops whereas wetherspoons sell cheap beer for around 1.20 a pint. beer smells aweful and if you get a pint spilled over you it's time to go home before the stain settles in. water drys out in 10 minutes and you can always put a wet patch down to excitement which is hardly a deterrant during a riot. maybe it would be cheaper and more effective to use beer in riot controls, especially in eygpt where it's illegal to drink. everyone would have to go home quickly before they got arrested for smelling of booze. i dont know, i am confused. maybe just use piss which is free.

oh no Jack LaLanne is dead

2011-01-24T18:32:00.004Z

I am very sad to hear that the antique bodybuilder Jack LaLanne has died today. here is my farewell poem.

Pumping iron all your life

Inventor of the power juicer

Now pumping in the clouds

Shower me with your juice

farewell jack.

miserable starbucks

2011-01-20T19:59:00.007Z

i went to starbucks today to try out my new netbook with the wireless and talk to other customers doing the same thing. there were lots of people using laptops on facebook not talking to anyone, i dont know why that is called social networking.

Tears for Peirs

2011-01-19T21:29:00.006Z

In the same way that we gave miximatosis to australia and smallpox to africa we’ve now helped the spread of Peirs Morgan to american tv. Why they’d want a person who only talks about himself as a chat show host is beyond all comprehension. i guess when they saw an untalented ponce judging a talent show they thought he must be a mirical worker. I feel sad that decrepid tortoise Larry King has been fired, but looking on the bright side Peirs Morgan is now several thousand miles further away from a british TV camaera.

ricky gervais was at the oscors this week for saying some funny things to room full of collegues with no sense of humour. apparently they dont like him very much in america any more so if we could have him back that would be nice. i suggest a kind of celebraty exchange between the US and Britian (simaler to ones involving spies) in which give them katie price in return for getting ricky gervais back. they can keep posh spice as we dont want her.

Binge for minge

2011-01-18T19:30:00.004Z

I am very angered by the goverments announcement that they will be detering binge drinking by making drinks more expensive. I rely on cheap alcholol both as a way of forgetting how bad things really are and stand little chance of finding the girl of my dreams in a nightclub full of sober women.

a new hope

if i were to go out on a night out with Ed Miliband i am sure he would realise that men like us cannot attract women without plying them with alcohol and lies first. now that his new law is in place it will cost Ed and I a weeks rent in Smirnoff just to start a converstation up with a couple of nice skanks at the bar. Ed is thinking about goverment policy with his wallet, not the concequences with his heart.

dead birds

2011-01-14T22:23:00.005Z

maybe i have january blues but it feels like the world is falling to bits with all the floods, shootings, political unrest and now dead birds. i felt very unhappy when the neighbours cat killed a pigeon and left its carcus in the paddling pool, these storys make me a million times sadder. i am not a scientist or criminologist but maybe it the deaths are caused by hungry cats or the clay pigeon equivelant to the Washington Sniper. i make buscuits instead. personally all is going ok, i still have a job, no incidents since june 2010, a roof over my head and mother is in good health but if God is reading this it would be nice for something good to happen in the world by february, especially for the dead birds.

floods

2011-01-13T20:18:00.002Z

i feel very lucky to live in one of the few cities in the world that isnt under 6 feet of water today. most of todays news is presented going from one helicopter to another looking down at floods and makes mme really sad that its happening around the world. here are some songs to cheer up those who are affected.

cry me a river - justin timberlake
the flood - take that

lifeline - spandau ballet
rescue me - maddona
purple rain - prince
i'll sail this ship alone - the beautiful south
river deep, mountain hight - ike and tine turner
dam, i wish I was your lover - sophie B hawkings

proof that sarah palin condones violance

2011-01-11T20:58:00.005Z

i was discussing american matters tonight and i am still very confused by sarah palin. she and her supporters suggested that she has never condoned violance but watching the news today about the wikiman Julian Assange it reminded me she once said the following about him.....

"Why was he not pursued with the same urgency we pursue al Qaeda and Taliban leaders?"

i am not an expert on military tactics but from what i gather the methods used to persue those guys usually involve guns - and it doesnt end too well for the taliban. they certainly aren't attacked with peashooters, given a slap on the wrist and made to sit on the naughty step. without reading too much into it i think sarah palin might be have been insighting violence from patriots. my medical advisor suggests that i let this one go and concentrate on breathing.

a clear message condoning violance

tea party FAIL

2011-01-10T23:46:00.003Z

i am very shocked by the news of the shootings in america of a crazy man who saw sarah palins hit-list of politicians and took the tea party motto of 'taking back america' a bit too seriously resulting in a horrifec shooting.

my prediction about the tea party fading out over 2011 is coming true but i did not expect it to be over within the second week in january. there is no way that the tea party will be able to hold its head up high after causing this. shooting an astronaughts wife in the head is as unamerican as burning the flag, crapping on the whitehouse lawn or eating healthy food.

i am very worryed that this is going to get worse before it gets better. there is no worry of liberal revenge as the chances of finding a tea party candidate with a brain to put a bullet through are non-existant. to watch a nice country with so much potential tear itself apart makes me sad and i am concerned that thinggs are heading that way over here in england.

my genuine condolances go out to all those affected by this irrosposible hate crime, sarah palin and fox news have blood on their hands.

taking back america

the north face

2011-01-09T17:05:00.002Z

i am confused as to why north face jacketts have the north face logo on the back at not on the front. in the world of property and sex the rear entrance is typically accossiated with the south face, not the north. the company who makes these overpriced jackets for pompous people should either rebrand or move the logo on the front to prevent any further confusion and anger.

american double standards

2011-01-06T17:42:00.004Z

i watched the news today about the BP oil spill inqury with some angry americans waving pictures of dying birds covered in oil waving "corporate profit" placards. all this took place outside a KFC. sometimes i think people just like to bash the british for the sake of it.

those who think scottish music has died

2011-01-05T19:05:00.002Z

sheena easton has still got it

Milibands Fury

2011-01-04T21:51:00.006Z

The matt and luke of politics have been hard at it in the news today giving their angery opinion about the VAT increase and complaining that it will hit the poor hardest. on behalf of the poor i have to disagree, it only takes a quick look at the adverage shopping list to disagree with this blatent tory snobbery.

how my average shop is affected

1 pint of blue milk - 43p (last week), 45p (today)
beef hula hoops - 45p (the other day), 46p (today)

pack of scotch eggs - 99p (last week), £1.00 (today)

Total increase = 4p

how elton johns average shop will be affected

flowers - £293,000 (a few years ago), £299,234 (today)
contemporary photograph by Hungarian modernist Andre Kertesz - £233,851 (April 1997), £238,826 (after)

Rolls-Royce Corniche - £230,943 (Jan 2000) , £235,856 (today)

Total increase = £16,122

as you can see i am only 4 pence worse off, whereas poor elton john has just taken a massive hit to his pocket. 4 pence isnt that bad . i can recoup that by fishing around in a urinal but sir elton would have to do far worse in a public toilet to cover a 16 thousand pound shopping trip and david funish wouldnt be best pleased either .

although i like dweeb miliband he needs to think twice before opening his bizarrely shaped mouth claiming that the rich aren't affected, he is just trying to get votes by fearmongering the poor. he should save his complaints for the next time he's on ticketmaster and finds the elton john gig is up by 500 quid to cover the price hike.

i used some old receipts and the 20% VAT difference calculator to work out these sums - http://www.thevatcalculator.co.uk/compare.php . things arent all that bad.

Barry and Paul Miliband

Next year your computer may stop working

2011-01-03T20:29:00.013Z

iphone alarm clocks arent the only expensive peice of technologyy to fail in 2011. I have owned a brand new netbook for little over a week and it is already running really slow and low on storage space.

there is a rule called 'moores law' which states computers have to be faster and tinyer every year, however with the sheer volume of pornography availble to download even the fastest computers cannot cope. I guess when moore wrote his rule he forgot to include prettygirls with low self esteem and a webcam into the equasion. I have therefore created a new law to append the existing one which i hope the people who make dells, windows and apples will take heed.

Moores law

Every year computers get twice as fast, twice as small and twice as cheap. usually just after youve just brought a new one.

Smalls law

Every year the amount of grot and spam increases and slows down your computer by about three times as much.

conclusion

as the huge amount of internet scud videos triples it will overtake the capability of even the fastest of microchips. i predict in the year 2020 computers will be so slow they will only be able to perform rudementary calculations taking several hours to add up, multiply and divide. but at least you;ll be able to rub one off while you wait. the helpline suggested reinstalling windows but for now i am going to have to delete a lot of old music i think , hope i will still be able to blog.

celebrity crime spree report

2011-01-02T22:09:00.004Z

why do the police do NOTHING when music stars sing about committing crimes? rap music lyrics are littered with boasts about selling the drugs and poopin' caps in arses yet this is not admissable as evidence in court.

i am listening to the Barrocades song by Spandex Ballet and i note with interest that tony hadley sings about making love on a wasteland. for this action he gets millions in record sales, a Brit award and more women than you can throw a stick it. i got cautioned for dogging. another example of one rule for them and another rule for everyone else.

tony hadley - a one man crime wave

Five fading fads in 2011

2011-01-01T22:24:00.012Z

with all journalists compiling 'best-of' lists over the new year and not covering any actual news i have decided to make my own.I thought of loads more than five but it started looking like a serial killers hate list so i stopped, if anything happened to any of these on the list i would be prime suspect.

twitter
I cant see twitter taking off on mobile telephones as the last time i tried it i was landed with a massive phone bill,people will just stick to text messages. From what i understand facebook is worse as it not only has people posting benale trivia but games posting benale trivia too.

when twitter goes bankrumpt in 2011 for not getting round to doing a business plan it will be forced to switch off perminanlty and this will cause headline news for weeks on end. Currently when twitter goes down for 5 minutes it triggers headline news causing TV networks to rush out and interview official spokesperson stephen fry to help him express himself. but if twitter survives for another year then the 140 charectors will be shortened to 70 when its users attention spans and IQs drop even further.

even gay men have annoying birds

The tea party
although i know very little about running a country i do know that a political party run by a TV news network that claims it can solve americas problems by complaining about the opposition is bad. The phrase 'Teabagging' also conjures up rude images in my mind involving rush limbarhg, sarah palin and crouching.

the tea party

Flashmobs
I once thought i had been invited to a flashmob but it turned out it was a wrong number, i just went to the bus station and met a confused old lady. if you dont know what a flashmob is, it is where lots of random peeople suddenly turn up in a public place, do something annoying and loud and generally get in the way. the equivelant in the olden days would be a group of french exchange students suddenly blocking the esculators at the shopping center, except T-mobile wouldnt be there to film it for a commercial.

when flashmobs go bad

Emos
With rupert murdoch spending all his money on the teabaggers he;ll have to close myspace down and emos will not have anywhere else to go. As they cannot go out in direct sunlight and are always committing suicide their numbers will be extinct this time next year.

some emos

Davina maccall
The most humane thing any of us can wish for is that she;ll die quickly and peacefully.

die

crappy new year

2010-12-31T22:58:00.003Z

bum stains. i have just left the new years eve party early as it was not very nice. Nobody understood what my costume was meant to be - a couple of people thought i was either midge ure or highlander but noone has ever heard of the steampunk.

I guess i am ahead of the times. a nasty man pulled off the 'TEAM' out of the word 'STEAMPUNK' from my costume leaving me in a flasher jacket with S'PUNK running down the front of my trousers holding a broken food processor. It took me around 10 ackward minutes to realise that this is not good look for approaching girls at partys so i decided to walk home. they were all too nice anyway and well out of my leauge.

i am upset that i missing the kissing at midnight but in a way i am happy to be here kissing mum and morris instead whilst watching jools holland play with his hootnanny.

steampunk costume finished

2010-12-31T00:42:00.003Z

as well as buying some bottles i have also completed work on my costume for the fancy dress party ttomorrow evening. All afternoon i have been rummaging through the loft finding bits and bobs and now have my long raincoat, goggles and modified food processor - all stylised up!!!! for the uneducated at the party who dont know what the latest fashion is i have glued the word 'STEAMPUNK' using cogs along one trouser leg which will explain things; i just hope those lot can read!!!! ;) .. It is very rewarding to make my own taylor made costume for the party and it beats renting out a spiderman outfit that probably wont fit anyway.

chillout mp3s

2010-12-29T22:17:00.007Z

i keep seeing adverts on TV and itunes for chillout mp3s and CDs but i do not understand the modern obsession with being chilled out. this music did not exist 10 years ago, why has 20th century man suddenly got so stressed and angery that he needs to listen to overpriced albums of whales farting to Dido? i recently heard the term 'Chillax' from a wanker in a wine bar which i belive to be a combination of the words chill and relax. i am sure it was his intent to increase the meaning of the word chill and to look cool but instead it made me a lot angrier and made him look like a tosser. there are enough words in the dictionary already without having to make up new ones.

click to chill

dumped for simon cowell

2010-12-28T21:48:00.003Z

some people from work promised to go out with me tonight to the kareoke and i have been looking forward to it since christmas. earlier i got a phone call telling me kareoke was too cheesy and they wanted to stay in to watch a repeat of the xfactor final instead.

the irony.

simon cowell - antichrist.

steampunk costumes

2010-12-27T21:38:00.005Z

i am watching the christmss edition of doctor who. although i do not understand what the hell is going on i do like the 'steam punk' costumes that the alien people wear. I am meant to be going to a fancy dress party on new years eve and a steampunk costume seems like a good idea. i was originally planning to go as columbo however i only have the long raincoat so everyone would think i am a flasher again .

For those who do not know what steampunk is, it is a new fashion just like the goths, except that you wear a black top hat, monacle or welding goggles then glue cogs to some trousers and any modern technology that you carry. if yoou have seen the film 'Wild Wild West' or 'Back To The Future 3' you will get the idea. i think it looks really cool in an old fashioned futuristic way.

on friday i plan to wear mums bowler hat to the party and i can still wear my columbo coat if i stick some mechanno all over it. i also have a broken food processor in the kitchen so i'll carry that around with me to accessorise. at least i will be dressed up fashionably at the party and wont look like an idiot.

computers for africa scam

2010-12-26T21:42:00.006Z

i have a new computer for christmas from my mum who i love so i am now back online. It is a net book and has usb, trackpad and norton antivirus. The keys are very close together making it hard to write but i feel this may improve when i pratice. I have not been been able to use a proper computer for a very long while now so it is nice to check for the latest emails and pornography without going to the public library.

my last computer became so slow due to all the spam so i donated it to a computer charity for needy children in africa, i now realize that i am victim of a scam as the africans have already starting using my old computer to spam my new one.

bastards

today i got an email addressed from myself today telling me ive won the lottery which was strange. Here is an explination of the way the scam works;

1:nigerians send you lots spam

2:your computer slows right down and becomes useless

3:you respond to an advert in the local paper asking for spare computers for needy people in africa

4: man comes round to your house, picks up your computer and posts this to nigeria

5:go to step 1

dont buy

I plead with all 59 readers of my blog to not fall for the same scam and loose their expensive computers and contribute to the ever growing spam problem. But the good thing is i have new computer which is the best chrismas present i have had ever for a long time.i will be restoring all my old files and clearing broken images on my blog before going back to work and surfing the interenet from the toilet.

test 2

2010-12-25T21:39:00.002Z

this is a test

twitter

2009-02-17T21:28:00.004Z

i have given twitter an opportunity and opened an account a while ago but am not impressed. although it allows me to update the internet from my mobile phone i cannot easily express my thoughts within the limits of 180 charectors.

the number of celebrites using the site has increased as the race to publically get the most fans grows. twitter feels like standing in a crowd at a red carpet event whilst everyone shouts 'hey steven fry, im going to the dentist'. i am not sure steven fry cares much for this information and wish he would just get on with writing another book or being melchet. it is all very strange.

i used to respect steven fry, but now he is always in the news promoting himself on twitter i'm getting steven fry overload - he needs to stop self promoting so much or do another disappearing act in france and leave his iphones at home for a month. It is like an early adopter of the envelope promoting Avery so he can get more used knickers in the mail. the difference between soiled duds through your letterbox and twitter messages is that they aren't wafted under everyone elses noses every time one is sent.

twitter needs to address the problem of being able to search for women between a certain age, size and european nationality and filter out profiles with photos only then i can see it catching on mainstream.

i will continue to use with the site with caution but am going back to blogger and hotmail for all my communication and dating requirements.

back online again

2009-01-30T03:26:00.004Z

i can finally get into my blog. they talk about britain becoming 100% connected, yet these so called experts couldnt even let me into my blog. i think it had a lot to do with forgetting my password.

because my life is so very boring right now i have had little to say and therefore twitter seems an ample recepticle for the few words i have.it is an intregeing site and it allows me to update my thoughts via the phone which is a very exciting prospect when walking home and/or using the toilet. twitter has been in the news recently as being 'the next big thing', i would loved to have seen the BBC when they announced a PR spokesman from Twitter would be coming on to explain the site, but he was limited to do it in 140 characters or less. i am not sold on twitter yet for the same reason that i shall not use facebook----- none of the people whom i communicate with in guildford use it, we are all on SMS, i dont really want to reunited with old school bullys nor torture myself with images of prettygirls that never were.

i feel like crying because i want a girlfriend so badly

2008-12-21T00:40:00.005Z

My worst fear isn't that i will die a lonely man, but that i will live as one too.

christmas wishes

2008-12-19T09:47:00.005Z

if santa reads blogs please can i have some deoderant as i dont think i can last another week without. and also someone to love.

i am no nerd

2008-12-08T22:56:00.008Z

i havent used my computer properly for months until i started blogging a couple of weeks ago and now i am already turning geeky. earlier today i made a mistake when putting some holes in a cubical wall and for a split second i expected an undo button to be on the drill. although i think current technology will not allow this feature i hope that black&decker will find out a way in time for next christmas.

i am worried this may get worse as i opened a twitter account last week to see what is so great about telling the world someone is taking a dump ,although i would not concider myself a true nerd yet as i cannot think of a valid excuse to use it when i'm supposed to be working. i simply want to find girls who are up for it in less than 160 charecters and somehow send free text messages to mates.

technology is mearly mans way of justifying his existance when the clock on his parents video recorder needs changing, anything more complicated is just showing off.

daily mail hippocrites

2008-12-04T21:26:00.002Z

in the factory today all i heard from the lads was that 'moylese speaks for the boys' and it was funny what he said about the polish. once again chris moyles gets racist on air again,this time he has stated that all polish people make good prostitutes. this is both an insult to the polish and to prostitutes,both hard working honest decent groups of people who keep this country running and do the jobs that noone else wants to do.

but instead of organising the usual witchhunt, salary outrage and sacking the daily mail let chris moyles off, presumably becase he's on the same side as the mail by being an anti-polish bully with a big audience of morons.

it is upsetting that the hipocrits can drum up over 40 thousand people to sack someone for telling the truth about having intercourse with someones granddaughter, yet a man with a history of sexist racist and anti gay broadcasting is let off scott free again becuase he stirs up indentical hate speech as the only newspaper who would do anything about it.

racists

selfish large corporations

2008-11-29T00:16:00.004Z

i just read on the side of a box "Tetley - we don't make tea for anyone else". it immediataly reminded me of this miserable sourfaced battleaxe i work with who doesn't make the tea for anyone else either when its her turn during breaktimes and we all hate her for it. this is not behavour which Tetley ought to be advertising if they are anything like that selfish old witch who cant be bothered to knock up a quick brew for everyone on the line, you think tetley would know better given their business.

terrible news

2008-11-28T00:18:00.003Z

i have just seen the news and the horrible things that have happened in India. it makes me so sad,why do people do such bad things to other human beings? these attacks were clearly organised and not a spur of the moment thing, surely one of the many people doing this had some rational thoughts and knew it was wrong. my thoughts go out to the victims at this time and wish them all the best.

christmas shopping

2008-11-25T18:24:00.002Z

i was stuck in HMV today behind a woman who was buying a brain training computer game and a high school musical DVD . would watching the two cancel each other out?

ahoy me heartys

2008-11-24T19:22:00.003Z

in preparation for the next national 'talk like a pirate day' i will be learning somalian.

BBC, banks and bailouts are all connected

2008-11-22T01:54:00.004Z

it seems right now that the only way to get things done in the united kingdom is for record numbers of outraged licence fee payers to leave a comment on the bbc web site. it has suddenly become the only gauge for something being morrily or politically correct when enough "Appalled from Conventry" type people leave blog comments saying how they shat themselves after a cloud resembling a giant arse appeared on a recent episode of Spooks.

the internet has made it easier to complain about things, if i saw something which offended me on the TV 10 years ago i would have calmed down long before forking out for the price of a stamp and posting it to Points of View ---- these days its as easy as clicking a link on the Daily Mail web site. i can see the danger with 'e-goverment' is that it'll soon be too easy to complain about trivial things to our polititions who be bogged down with hundreds of thousands of emails about individual pot holes, noisey bin men, lollypop ladies not smiling and cracks in the pavements.

several thousands of poeple rencenly left hysterical messages with the BBC when russell brand left manuel from fawlty towers an answer phone message un-tactfully introducing himself as his granddaughter new boyfreind. However, John Cleese hit the same bloke over the head with a telephone, repeatedly kicked him, made zenophobic jokes and at one point set the poor imagrant on fire after throwing a giant blamonge on his head - not a single complaint then and that was in the olden days.

today i read that 170,000 people left messages on the bbc web site complaining about the outcome of a game show. 170 thousand poeple with the nothing better to do than be bitterly outraged at the outcome of 'Strictly Come Dancing'... but to put that in perspective only 108 people left concerned messages on a recent article about the state of the budget and economy. we all deserve to loose our homes if we are more worried about the outcome of a dance contest than interest rates being higher than adam curry on holiday in columbia, the poeple in the UK are living in a dream world.

but when the bailiffs come knocking at least those 108 people can safely say they warned us, shame on the rest of you who were too busy with the outcome of a reality tv show to care about your money.

the irony is that they could have affected the outcome of their own reality prior to loosing their house by expressing their outrage the only way they know how. now gordon brown can stand up in the houses of parliment and say that only 108 of the nations constituents could be arsed about finances - so poo to you all, no amount of foxtrotting is going to help the fact you will be spending your christmas day noshing off sailors to help pay the mortgage this year.

for some reason licence fee payers want to be treated more like shareholders in the bbc. they each pay around 100 pounds a year thinking they run the joint. if they want to spend 100 a year to watch exactly what they want then i suggest a blockbusters membership card then we don't have to all put up with the same bland tripe that they call entertainment. if they really want to use this shareholders argument then it will take a majority of said shareholders to make decisions about what happens on the TV - 51% or more of the country will need to sign on to the BBC web site to get presenters sacked, dance contests overruled and full frontal nudity on daytime TV for when I'm working nights.

i am no expert when it comes to the census, but looking at the numbers - thats 170 thousand poeple out of the 60 million TV owners in the UK - and thats not a majority. this is in fact a lot less than the newspaper headlines claims of an 'overwhelming shocked majority of the country' to put things in proportion this would be more like 'a couple of arseholes next door who complain to the police every time my hamster farts too loud'.

i would like to point out two other shining examples of corporations run by shareholders - banks and car manufacturers who addmittedly havent had a very good time of things recently. its easy to predict a goverment funded BBC bailout looming, with the channel promising to pay back every penny of a proposed 70 billion pound loan with a 12 part series of Gavin and Stacy with interest paid back in the form of a christmas special in HD. i'll personally vote for that bailout - but only if it i get my daytime quota of full frontal which shouldn't overlap with any episodes of Gavin and Stacy.

i think the bbc needs to be run more like a dictatorship than the quivvering mouse. the director general needs to make an iron fist and make decisions that he sticks by and that we The People do not question and looking to leaders like stalin, pol pot and banatyne for inspiration. Life would be in put into perspective, a whopping 170,000 people would rise up to complain about loosing their homes, a mere 108 mentally ill people would complain about Sequin Idol and we'd all finally get a good glimpse of Amanda Lambs hanging bacon on primetime telly.

Post Gastric Bypass Love‏

2008-11-19T21:40:00.015Z

here is a poem i recently wrote about a husbands love for his wife after having part of her bowel removed...........

Dance with me my mongoloid bride
Between these three walls of our trailer
For tonight we celebrate your hospital liberation
And freedom to wipe your own arse without a mop

We airlifted you to freedom
Like a cow in a swimming pool
Gracefully you swung like a sweaty Eros
Blubber insulating you from the pylon

That fried black pudding that took away your freedom
That 'one more mayonnaise bucket' that took away your dignity
That fireman that cut away your bedroom wall
They will never take away your love, nor your abdominal catheter

You were always a glutton for pleasure
No matter what vapors were given off
Sure, customers were eating behind the curtain
But who cares who craps in buckets these days

Waddle closer sweet buffet queen
Pull down your compression stockings
For legs and eggs are on the menu tonight
Your varicose thighs spell out our destiny

The tarp once used
To haul your arse to the clinic
We now roll in together
Capturing rogue fluids

Your body rippling naked
Beneath the twinkling lights of the pinball machine
The creases where mushrooms once grew
Now guide my hands to apply cream to your sores

May this rent-free vehicle serve as a future home
To our beautiful hybrid offspring
Mississippi, John and Skip
All named from where they where conceived

Who will eat this flaccid Ivan?
Flat like the tires of our home
Now springs proud like a diving board
As you dangle suspended in the harness of rubber

Sure, we;ll have onlookers for the next five minutes
But the dogging community were always welcome
Rubberneckers, whale watchers, truckers and hoggers
All have front row seats to this Colosseum of passion

For now our love can blossom
Thanks to a simple routine bowel operation
Baby, I'm addicted to your crack
So hit me with fiber mustache beeeeyatch

YOU are the cause of this recession

2008-11-18T01:05:00.004Z

now that winter draws in and people stay indoors there is less to do on the streets so i will start using my computer instead. a lot of things have changed since i last wrote my blog on a regular basis . i no longer process blood, urine and fecal matter for the health service and since i got out i have been working very long hours doing factory work and having nothing to show for it.

i do miss how easy office work was and now i am doing real work highlights just how easy an office job can be when you sit by a computer all day and pretend to work when you are in fact using internet explorer instead. maybe the reason why windows is more popular than apple in offices is becauase it can multitask between excel, msn messenger and solitare quicker than you can say 'the boss is coming'. however it is more obvious to my boss when i'm meant to be in charge of a convayer belt but reading todays paper that i am not working, and this could cause me to loose my job and yet another coleegue to loose their finger whereas its easy in offices to get away with a few extra windows on the screen. i do miss the 30+ funny emails a day though.

in a way i feel cheated that i am earning ten times less than i did at a desk but working ten times harder. plus i dont get to sit down any more, tea and wank breaks are a lot shorter and those special times that make up the fabric of the office calender are not observered either; the times when entire days are devoted to non-productive messing around in the name of good causes andd festivities (comic releaf, children in need, bring your child to work day, december). although these help cover the bottom of a bucket with 5 pence coins for ethopians they atually cost the british businesses billions in lost time for the sake of the accounts department dressing up in bondage gear for the day, i would call this industial sabatage. instead charitys should blackmail bosses into coughing up a few thousand pounds in return for NOT distracting their staff with sponsored custard pie fights and baked bean baths to raise awareness of global hunger.

these charitys might also havve a word with the BBC who seem hell bent on sabotaging their own TV schedule by replacing their un-funny serious shows with un-funny comedy versions. the only thing i found funny was an unintentional Eastenders special where the actor who plays a peodofile called Tony who seriously said the line 'i cant wait to do special things for children in need tonight'. that i think was a bad choice of charector and line given the occasion and only one step away from the bbc rolling out gary glitter on stage singing about gang bangs with etheopian babies on his knee. i am suprised that the daily mail havnt picked up on the eaasteners mistake yet but give them a few more days of no one else caring , run a horror story and then 30 thousand people who never saw it will complain to the prime minister resulting in eastenders taken off the air for 6 months and the live culling of terry wogan in public.

anyway if you are reading this in an office between the hours of 9 to 5 then i hold you personally responisble for contributing to your company and countrys demise. although people like me do not earn as much as you we work harder - a lot harder. compared to my laast office jobs and everyone i know talking about what they dont do at work i have seen this with my own eyes, today, whilst breaking my back lifting heavy boxes non stop in a florecent lit factory with horrible Eagle FM competing to the noise of heavy machinery during an 8 til late shift.

now stop reading this and get some work done

Important reminder to Republican Christians

2008-11-04T23:12:00.003Z

Jesus wasn't white either

recovered

2008-11-04T23:09:00.001Z

i have recovered my password so can now blog. i have been away for a while.

ipod touch

2007-09-06T12:03:00.000+01:00

today they tell me for £269 i can walk into starbucks and purchase music that only plays on the new ipod. for the sum of £0 i;ve been walking into HMV and buying music that plays on anything and i haven't had to spend £4.30 on coffee that looks and tastes like diarrhea.

blinder behind the eyes

2007-07-17T11:34:00.001+01:00

it feels like the morning after the night before. but i feel cheated though as i didnt do anything last night. will these headaches never end?

Little Britian in the US

2007-07-12T23:40:00.001+01:00

I dont understand why TV companys need to remake shows for american audiences.why are they making little britian in america? they will have to change the name to little america which wont make sense as america is big .unless you look at it in a spoon. we dont change american shows to english ones because we dont understand what they are saying.I understand what george bush says perfectly, I just dont understand why people let him.I have just got back from the pub and not much is making sence right now, I am trying to decifer the news without any luck.

Please vote for my poem!

2007-07-09T21:58:00.000+01:00

i have an email from simon toon from the slamidol podcast, he asks for you to vote for your favorite poem. here are the details from the email;;

The voting is open on Slam Idol contest 18. It's a video contest,
and the contestants are:

"No More Flan for Fatty" by Roger Smalls performed by Madge Weinstein
"Suicide Note: Bank Manager Lament" by Mat Lloyd
"Everyday" by Mike McGee
"Snow and Ice" by Don Schaeffer
"Hypocrites" by Paul Reyno
"I am whatever colour you see" by Dreadlock Alien

There is a round-up show which can be viewed here:

http://m-uk.podshow.com/media/3023/episodes/64823/slamidol-64823-06-09-2007.m4v

This show has 40-second excerpts of all 6 poems, to help you decide how many marks out of ten you'd like to award each poem.

Please remember it is important for you to vote fairly for all 6 poems. If you do not award proper votes for all 6 poems then your vote will be discarded.

Please spread the word! The AUDIO promo is available in MP3 format
here:

http://m-uk.podshow.com/media/3023/promos//slamidol-promo.mp3

The VIDEO promo is available on

PodShow http://www.btpodshow.com/video/persona_id=14287&movie_id=4d7d5af38455304eff97c8f92b9995e9),
YouTube ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UeVk48gXT0 ) and
MySpace ( http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoID=2034227118 ).

Please email me if you'd like the original M4V file to mix into
your own video podcast.

Subscribe to the video feed, watch the videos in full, and vote now
at http://www.slamidolpodcast.com/

please vote at simons site. also congratulations to simon for the birth of his infant child.

google jobs

2007-07-05T10:54:00.000+01:00

i think google should do a service called google jobs which helps you search for jobs. there are so many different web sites for getting jobs in healthcare but most contain the same jobs. they can do it for products and images but why not jobs? i have around 130 readers on feedburner, surely one of those must work for google - if you do then please mkae this happen.

Wanted for TV segment "Diana and Me"

2007-07-01T19:26:00.000+01:00

Have you been hospitalised then been visited by Lady Diana? are you mental? Do you genuinely beleive that an ex-princess on a photo opportunity to upset the inlaws miraculasly cured you of a broken leg by regardless of being surrounded by a team of medical experts? can you look tearfullly into a camera and convince a stadium full of chinless aristocratic toffs who cant dance that being touched by a member of the royal family was just like Jesus curing lepars? BBC television are putting together some over sentimental short segments called "Diana and Me" and would like to hear from you if you'd like to take part in the tv event of the day featuring some of the biggest names in mime like lily alen, will young and that flange off the black eyed pees.

i dont think she would have wanted this.

average speed cameras

2007-06-25T21:15:00.000+01:00

there is some uproar in the community that we are having some average speed cameras installed near where i live. there is nothing average about them atall, the average speed camera is a bright yellow box on a 12 foot pole, yet these are twice that hieght and painted blue. i feel the goverment are just after catching people out to make more money. its a good job i dont drive otherwise i'd be really upset, but sometimes its easy to get cuaght up in public anger like when s-club split up.

boring big brother

2007-05-31T22:08:00.000+01:00

i think i am going to give it a miss this year unless the all women-house is forced to wear clingfilm.they said they are going to stop racism since the problems from the last series but last night they employed chris moyles,thats like a tv show being accused of being too homophobic and then employing chris moyles, or too sexist then employing chris moyles. instead i am going to spend my time on the comuter as i havenot looked much on the internet recent other than for the usual bodely functions.i have many weeks of podcasts to catch up on.

carbon footprint

2007-05-31T11:56:00.001+01:00

what is the big deal about carbon footprints? lots of carbon is good for making pencils and fizzy drinks.

Nostalgia

2007-05-29T11:10:00.000+01:00

I think nostalgia is looking on the bright side of things after its too late.

Rogers Tube 1

2007-05-07T22:08:00.000+01:00

today i didnt have to go to work today nor had anything to do so i have stayed in and made a new video called Rogers Tube made up from video clips on the internet. RogersTube1.mp4

scifi buffs

2007-05-03T09:49:00.000+01:00

isnt is ironic how people whos interests include 'fear of the paranormal' actually have a deep seated fear of the normal. gavin upstairs cannot afford to buy his girlfriend a drink after work yet somehow manages to order the complete xfiles boxette on amazon.

homicidal maniac lookalike

2007-04-25T21:41:00.000+01:00

i have just turned on the film doctor strangelove and have noticed the following two people both look and act exactly the same.

Jack D Ripper

George W Bush

it worrys me that jack d ripper is a fictional charector and bush isnt yet they are both hellbent on killing inncodent people. what worrys me more is that the most powerful man in the world right now has trouble holding a telephone up the right way.

Video podcast - No More Flan For Fatty

2007-04-19T09:39:00.000+01:00

my second video now up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

last week i composed a poem for the slam idol poetry competition and desided to ask madge weinstein from www.yeastradio.com to perform this on her video cameras. you have to click this link then wait http://m.podshow.com/media/7648/episodes/57663/insanefilmsipod-57663-04-17-2007.mp4 where it will appear but is very slow if you are not at work or the library. it contains words and gestures.

when it apears on slam idol please please please please vote for me and madge!!!!!!!! i have included the transcript of the poem i sent in the email to be performed should anyone need it. thankyou to madge for recording.

prolude

I reguallly sit near a girl on my bus ride to work who is in her early thirties, has long red hair with matching face and has let herself go over the years. Often I wonder what it is like to be her and have decided to compose my thoughts into a poem for you. It is a poinient verse about a unnammed lady in crisis struggling with achiving outer buetey and inner peace and wrestling with a past love. Its called 'No More Flan for Fatty'.if you could do it to the tune of the argos commercial that would be nice, if not then dont woorry.

Number 38 bus
Size 38 booty
Go on, look at me and stare
Running down the street for my ride

I knew of love once
In my childhood days
Prepubencent memorys
Before Barry and his tuck shop

Panting and groaning
I waddle on board the bus
my layers of ankles
dripping with sweat and milk

Loves young dream, we passed notes in class
there wasn't a pubic convenience that could contain our passion
The eyes of love do not recognise bronchial disorders
We just be Sippin on gin n grease

As the driver demands the tarriff
I fumble in my leather purse
My large cumbersome fingers
Groping for money otherwise spent on food

I never used to be like this
My 18th birthday I caught him feeding
feeding with another, much larger than I
Making me more determed to be someone bigger, larger, better and chubbier

I clumsely waddle down the isle
My beady eyes scan the mass transit for a place to sit
Before the bus increases its velocity (winks slowly)
I need to park this blomondge of an ass pronto

Saw Barry just last week
Boy, that hairy grease bitch still looks good. (inserts middle+ring finger into mouth sideways to camera X 4)
Jelously as I observe he's with a new girl
This time shes a skinny

Diet from now on, wash away those bed sores
Cleaning up my act for barrys new tastes
say goodbye to them roaches in my crotch
There aint no more flan for fatty

hoe hoe hoe
green giant

exited about poetry

2007-04-17T21:00:00.000+01:00

i recently composed a poem to enter into the slam idol poetry podcast, instead of recording it i have asked madge weinstein to perform it as she has video aparatus. aparently the video will be ready to download tomrrow to everyone on insane films, i am already downloadingg the preview overnight and cant wait until tomorrow. however i will have 2 wait until tomrrow due to modems.

today has been non-eventful. the only sparkle in the water of my dull life has been observing the goings on of iain mcshane. i plan to cut my toenails later and also sleep.

give someone enough rope and they'll hang themselves

2007-04-15T23:20:00.000+01:00

that is silly. if i was due to be hung i would ask for lots of rope which would give me more chance of reaching the floor.

two of the most popular downloaded videos on the internet. saddam hussain and ask a ninja.

ADD

2007-03-29T14:44:00.000+01:00

Am I the only person left in podcasting who can concentrate?

copy videos

2007-03-28T10:39:00.000+01:00

how do i save youtube videos onto my computer? there is no "save picture as" option for videos that i can see. i phoned up the helpdesk today but they do not know. please email roger_smalls@hotmail.co.uk if you can help and stop emailing me about business opportunities.

Twitter is Blogger just without the content box

2007-03-19T22:01:00.000Z

The next logical step will be to abolish the title too. All that remains will be the time and date when you use your computer. in the future peoples blogs will just have a list of dates, like a library book.

12 March 2010
13 March 2010
16 March 2010

i think this may be boring and will continue to blog my fantasies, dreams and other such matters insted.

my prediction on the future of the music charts

2007-02-20T15:18:00.000Z

i am dismayed that uk pop music top 40 charts are now based on the number of downloads a file gets legally.this has grave implicatons.

the top 40 show will be compiled and presented by the type of people who work in my IT department with sweat, social and eating disorders rather than traditional DJS like dave lee travis and mark goodyear.

if something crap ends up at number one hackers will be able to gain access to confidencial information to 'name and shame' the poeple who put the crazy frog in our faces for weeks at a time. blackmale and public lychings would happen.

pornography would start apearing in the charts due to the high numbers of the downloads. i cant remember the last time i downloaded an mp3, yet i downloaded well over 50 mucky mpegs around 2 hours ago when the boss left his desk for lunch. surely this will dent the charts in some way? insted of cliff richard being this years christmas number one we will all be celebrating 'parishiltonnightvisionhandjob03.mpeg' being played at partys inbetween slade and mudd.

something must be done immeditaly. as an apathetic person who cant be bothered to think of any more examples i'm not about to do anything myself so it is up to you.

Who sent the other seven?

2007-02-19T15:59:00.000Z

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/6375543.stm

knockback

2007-02-10T22:32:00.000Z

my appearance "isnt suitable for camera"
i am "not channel 4 material"
noone would watch me in a million years
i would be "best to stay at home and watch the tv"

desciton time

2007-02-09T13:54:00.000Z

it has been a tough choise - the potental for free rent +food for 2 weeks or 5 pairs of boobs and a pig.i have made the bold step to go to london tomororw to attend the big brother auditions and declined the offer to go with the girls to the cinima. a group o us will be driving up on saturday. i do not know what to wear or what to say.the hole thing confuses me.

podcast - soundseeing tour of the curry cottege

2007-02-08T02:52:00.000Z

had to work tonight but managed to pick up the curry cottege keys from skidwhiskers and recorded a quick sound seeing tour at adam currys old hose. its taken me ages to copy the file to my pc then upload the mp3 and i am really tired. time is running out for the tour so you must act fast. email me at roger_smalls@hotmail.co.uk with the number of people in your party and i will arrange your guided tour. it was very cold walking home from work and our heating does not work. i will sleep.

you may download it here......... DSC20070208_currycottegeSOUNDSEEING.mp3

dilmenai

2007-02-06T13:41:00.000Z

i have a puzzle and am not sure what to do. on saturday i was planning to go to london for the big brother 2007 auditions as it would mean free rent and alcohol for a bare minimum of 2 weeks if i got in. i would aslo get the opportunity to prove that england has some normal people in it too and put straight the fiasco which ocurred last week with india and whatnot. however a group of the girls at the office want to see charlottes web in the evening, a movie about a pig and i have expressed interest at watching it. iam at a loss as to which choise to make. help!!!!!!!!!

terrible CD

2007-02-05T13:19:00.000Z

someone has put some depressing music on at work today called "middle of the road music" which co-incidentally is where it makes me feel like standing. one of the benifits of having hearing aids is that you can switch them off.

my opinion

2007-01-28T18:06:00.000Z

i am just listening to madge weinsteins latest yeast radio which features adam curry talking about pet neutrality. i believe if the animal is under a certain age and correct anasthetics are used then it is acceptable and will help kerb the growing animal population in inner citys.

podcast - curry cottage star tours

2007-01-23T23:50:00.000Z

PODCAST - download here

boycott big brother and carphone warehouse

2007-01-17T22:06:00.000Z

i am ashamed that england has put three racist bullies into the spotlight and channel 4 have publized it without stopping it. if you are making tv and see blatent racist bullying you have a responsibiliy to stop it. i will stop buying my topup cards from the carphone warehouse too.the whole thing makes england and teddy sheringham look bad to the rest of world. if bloggers and podcasters behaved like this the readers and listeners would send them a message but it seems on reality tv 2000 people can complain yet still noone listens.it makes me angry.

new york tourism board

2007-01-05T01:41:00.000Z

i have just received email spam saying that i have won 7 nights in a top class hotel in "the city that never sleeps". it seems like a shoddy business practice to build a hotel where nobody goes to bed. i have chosen not to attend.

my first night watching tv for a while

2007-01-03T01:12:00.000Z

god emporor mings daughter was sexy.why on earth did flash gordon choose dale?

saddam hussain

2006-12-31T00:20:00.001Z

we invaved iraq to stop its government from executing its citizens and today handed over another citizen to its government to be executed. that is like police turning up to a bank robbery and sending some extra hostages into the building. we were meant to install western values, so why have we suddenly brought back hanging? micheal hutchins would be turning in his doorway.

lovely christmas

2006-12-29T00:04:00.000Z

i have just got back tonight from a great night out and thought to check my emails.i am enjoying my time off here and do not want to go back home much. we had a lovely christmas day and i got a set of hunting knives, a bottle of wine and some garments i do not care much for.i have been spending a lot of time out in brighton going to pubs and clubs with my cousen.i feel like i have made new freidns just by sitting down,talking to strangers and being myself.brighton also seems so much more lively and happy than guildford does,the poeple love living here,everyone smiles,the streets are clean,there are big signs everywhere about taking pride in the place and residents do geneunly tend to go along with that.the only downside is that my testicles have not defrosted since i got here,i have spent all my christmas money on presents and drinks and when i dont work i dont get paid.back to the grindstone this weekend. i am not looking forward to going home but need to pay the bills.

brighton

2006-12-24T12:09:00.000Z

i am here in brighton and happy. yesterady mother and i traveled down by coach to stay wih my uncles family. last night i went out with my cousin for drink. there are many young people here and they are all so freindly and polite compared to guildford. everwhere was very busy and noisey with the run-up to christmas. today has been nice. this morning we all went to church and now we are back i have been allowed to use my uncles computr before lunch is served. it is the fastest one i have ever used and can download porn quicker than anyone here can wank.we are eating beef for dinner and thisafternoon if the weather is nicer we will take mum for a stroll down the seafront then maybe go out again tonight.i am looking 4ward to tomorrow.

no positive future

2006-12-21T18:05:00.000Z

i know that most people want to kill themselves after chrsitmas but after today i feel like getting it over and done with it now

i hate myself and want this to be over

merry christmas and a happy new year to all those who can afford it

rog

christmas is coming

2006-12-16T11:59:00.000Z

yipppee!!! 1 week to go!!!!!!!. I have booked the christmas peroid off work and have been granted time away due to my "stirling work in the depaertment" and "high level of complaints". mother and i will going via natiional express to brighton over christmas to stay with my uncle. i am looking forward to celebrating christmas with more peple as it can be depressing by myself or having to work. last year was terrible. i think it will be good for mum to visit some family members who she hasnt had sex with before and hope that the journey is not too much for her.i do not like coach travel but trains are so expesnive.we leave next weekend.

i still have not purchased christmas presents for anyone yet,but did fill in a lot of cardds yesterday for everyone at work who i talk to. i do not feel in the chrsitmas spirit much right now, in some ways listening to podcasts all the time means i do not hear all the same christmas songs that the radio stations would play.i hear carols and shaking stevens played in retail establishments. i do object to my local sex shop selling dvds called oh cum all ye faithful, dick the whores, big donkey, ding dong merrily on thighs and jingle bell-ends. these are distasteful to the memory of christmas and disturb my thoughts. i brought another botox babes video instead and sat watching that last night. i must go to work.

i feel hollow

2006-12-13T23:27:00.000Z

i feel very low right now.i have been working overtime & double shifts in order to save money for christmas.having mum at home in the winter and keeping her warm all day and night means expesnive fuel bills.i had my exam results though and have failed abismally meaning that i can no longer progress in my cureent job.i worked so hardd to pass the exams but feel like such a failier.mum says she is still proud but i know that a mothers love is unconditional. as is the love between a man and his pig. how i miss The Dutchess.

Dutchess do you wonder
what i am doing now?
for we both lay in shit
and have hairy skin

yet we are different
as i yearn to look in your eyes
you know not of love
just simple relationships of man and beast

so we parted so long ago
now i am so alone
i often wonder how you are
but know that you are happy

that said, i had a ok night out with that old tart the other night but do not think she was right for me. one word- unhygenic slag. i wore my smartest work outfit which impressed her i believe. but her fingers were yellow from smoking though. it did not matter for the duration of the feature presentation as they in my mouth but they were very noticeable during our drink afterwards. they also shook quite violently as she drank her barcardi which was offputing not to mention dangerous and a waste.she also talked about her ex's a lot and as i havent got any it left me with little compare with.

we talked about work quite a lot as we have that in comon but aprt from that i found i am just not interesting enough to talk about myself. i also notice that her breasts were like boiled eggs. not just because of their shape, but because she had the date of birth of her first son tatooed acros one of them in purple ink which looked like a blurred sell-by date. i doubt i could ever love her as this would be a constant reminder of her deflowering. we didn't kiss and i just waved her to her taxi. i felt sad but stand by my decision. now she ignores me now at work.

now i just feel alone this time of year and am typing my feelings into this blog.sometimes i feel like crying as i'm never moving up in life, just slipping. to think of my potential ten years ago and now looking at this disfigured reck who cant get a promotion, girlfirend or passport. i guess i feel hollow. and i guess her bacon strip probably feels hollow too given the 3 kids, 80 ex-boyfirends and half the ann summers product catalogue that she's had up there. fortunatly i never felt the need to test this theory myself. i would rather save myslef for someone pure and butiful and preferably under 40.that is all i have to say on her and should get over it. christmas is coming, the pubs and clibs around guildford will be full of lots of drunk girls all enjoying themselfs, chances are i'll get a kiss or too.

i shoudl say that casino royale was cleerly a big sony advert rather than a bond film. it missed all the women aand james bond music at the beginnig, instead they had a cartoon which looked like the pink panter intro. i would not have been suprised if 007 was being chased by inspector cluseo. i did not understard the plotline, and it was not a proper bond movie and i think charles brocalli woudl be turning in his patch if they say the mess they made of it.

i should sleep now and blogger has changed.

date tonight!

2006-11-30T13:05:00.000Z

i overheard one of ther new admin staff today taling about wanting to see the new james bond movie and i have just plucked up the corage to ask her and she said yes! i will not reveal her name for fear of reprise from the blogging community, but she is 43, divorsed with 3 children and has a smell about her which i like. i am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo very excited and very nerveros!!!!! i suggested we go to an early showing so with any luck i might get some after the film finishes if she is able. one of her eyes points in the wrong direction.

Love is...

..peeing in her starbucks

bus trip to work.

2006-11-28T11:54:00.000Z

i listened the scissor sisters singing the song "there aint no tits on the radio" this monring then got on the bus to hear chris moyles doing the breakfast show. just shows what they know.

azzem yaro is a fraud

2006-11-21T17:10:00.000Z

it has come to my attention that azzem_yaro30000@yahoo.co.uk is a con artist and a spammer. since i put his email on my blog post he has started to attract spam himself, slowing down his confidence trickster operation with unessery emails. that will teach him a lesson for spamming people, and this will teach 22 other people who have recently spammed me attempting to pray on my good nature to give them money for willy pills:

omar_salaam05@hotmail.com
mrjohnabbey1957@web.de
ericwalter121@yahoo.com
mohamekabiro00040@hotmail.com
info_kamp@naseem.com
group_partners@caramail.com
echeabo_es@yahoo.es
edosafen113@netscape.net
edmundmoyo@myway.com
basharadnan_ma@yahoo.com.sg
juddygold79@yahoo.com
steph1_parry_icb@yahoo.com
naderbukam@yahoo.co.uk
infoagencies@aol.com
david_kone56@yahoo.com
robertmensah@netscape.com
chkky2005@yahoo.com
badagnakieyadema5@yahoo.com
echeife@netscape.net
kumbayalla2003@webmail.co.za
davedward_2005@yahoo.com
bamaiyi-bala@excite.com

azzem yaro needs my help

2006-11-16T11:24:00.000Z

i just had some bad news this morning from azzem yaro who told me that a family died in an air crash leaving funds of 8.6 million dollars and wants my help. unfortunatly i cant help him as i dont have a passport and credit card but if anyone can help then email him at azzem_yaro30000@yahoo.co.uk .

Adam Curry Board Game

2006-11-14T21:48:00.000Z

why be a nobody when you can pretend to be a somebody?now you can spend an hour of your otherwsie boring life being adam curry looking for a meal in guildford in fun family boardgame called "does anyone fancy A.Curry?"

you need some scissors a dice & a colour printer. so click here to download and let the good times roll. and the dice.

christmas fun for all the family.

wwf advert

2006-11-13T22:21:00.000Z

are computer game wrestlers looking more releastic or are real life wrestlers looking more unreleastic?

i have never wished a painful venereal disease on anyone until a saw this years xfactor contestants

2006-11-12T16:12:00.000Z

breaking up process

2006-11-07T23:04:00.000Z

did my final exams today and feels good not have to revise any more. I have just read the headline in todays Star newspaper about big brother pete marrying his childhood sweetheat. this is printed alongside a big photo of bigg brothers nikki nude with the story of how heartbroken she is . I am not an expert at relationships but most people split up they sit at home and eat chocolate - not peel off on the cover of a national newspaper. i do not understand.

final exam in half an hour

2006-11-07T14:40:00.000Z

i am shitting myself and had to go home at lunch to change.

Guy falkes out £30

2006-11-05T14:27:00.000Z

I was trying to revise last night and there was a load of banging and couldn't concerntrate. It is November the fifth today and I will not be celebrating fireworks night this year as it is too expensive to go to a pubic display and buying your own fireworks from newsagents costs at least £30 per packet.

History tells us that we must celebrate novemebr the fifth because a terrorist called guy falwkes tried to blow up the houses of parliament and failed. Personally I am a little upset that he failed to blow up those corrupt overpaid murdering polititons. I am sure guy falwkes was very upset when he wasn't allowed to light his fireworks, at £30 a pop he must have needed to buy thousand of pounds worth to blow up that waste of taxpayers expensive which is nothing more than a giant clock.

I find it strange that we do not celebrate more recent failed terrorist attempts in the uk.Perhaps 'toothpaste night' and 'mineral water evening' where the engliish population celebrates the stirling work of our police force foiling the plot for bringing down airplanes with domestic toiletries. although everyone i speak to about this affair who uses airports does not want to be reminded, let alone celebrate.

evil rocket plots

exams

2006-11-02T10:11:00.000Z

i am going to be taking my 1st exam later this monrning.i am very tired from reviseing late last night and do not feel up to it.i have another exam on friday and the final one on tuesday.no one from my organisatoin is going and i feel really nervuos going by myself. cannot wait until this is over and things will be back to normal.

Torchwood Storyline

2006-10-22T21:58:00.000+01:00

Welsh Men In Black

hotmail spam solutions

2006-10-19T22:39:00.000+01:00

i think it would be nice to tell the hotmail email system exactly who i bank with and who i know in nigeria so they can delete everything else. that way it can stop sending me all the other emails from HSBC, LLoyds TSB and King Jaffee Jaffa who all think they've cocked up and only I can in some way help them by clicking on a hyperlink to a porn site.

i am struggleing to revise for my exams and accidentally deleted an email from my tutor today which made me very angry with all these internet banks and presedents. i read something that our country spends more on marketing than it does on making things. if that is the case then how come all those viagra salesmen from africa send me hundreds of emails yet i've never received a single email from sachi and sachi in my life.if i was selling products on the internet i would use the experts from zimbaway any day rather than a british marketing company who do not seem to have a clue.all this spam is annnoying, but at least they are helping western men with erecctile disfunctions rather than just cooking them in those big pots.

carrying on that idea from my previous post

2006-10-09T11:42:00.000+01:00

a vending machine affiliate scheme would be good idea too. if i had a pound for every time i politely told that fat bitch upstairs to buy her own raisen poppets rather than blatently stealing mine i would be able to buy my own vending machine by now. and sitting at one end of my desk so her wieght causes the desk to tilt and the sweets literally roll acrosss to beneath her giant varacous-vein-ridden pannus does not constitute as me offering her one either.

mini chedders for sale

2006-10-09T11:18:00.000+01:00

i hate it when i get the number of the confectionary and the price mixed up in the vending machine. i have just brought a pack of number 40 bacon mini chedders rather than opal fruits number 36 which cost 40p. if anyone in the guildford area likes bacon mini chedders and would like to buy them off me please email me to arrange a pork liason. if anyone in teh vending machine buinsess reads this then please make your machines easier to use like amazon.com. maybe some form of shopping cart / wishlist facility? i could then request the chocolate bars i desire then if anyone with loose change is feeling generous or any fat people want to extinguish their guilt they could type in 'roger smalls' into the keypad, insert £1 and put a yorkie bar on hold for me and feel good about themselves. or a twix.

vending machine addicts / portable media expo pool party

a poor turnout

2006-10-08T23:56:00.000+01:00

it was my birthday last week and i was expectinv to go out with a handful of coleges at work over the weekend except that every one was too busy. i know i should not feel sorry for myself but i feel sorry for myself. i am now over a quarter of a century old, i still live with my mum, i have never had a proper girlfriend and have not got a career, just a horrible job that nobody wants. i got some vouchers for a shop that we dont have in guildford, the cost of transport to the nearest branch costs more than the vouchers does. i dd get a nice snowglobe from mother and my uncle sent me a tennis video with the woman from spiderman in. in spiderman and wimbleden kirstin dugnst falls in love with an unobtainable man called peter but in the end gets him. i have looked on the internet and she is already about to star in another film where she falls in love with a man called peter. she should be careful not to get typecast. this is a low time for me in my life nd my exams loom in my future like black clouds.