disillusioned

i have just got back from the local disco and feel very weird. i went to meet my friend who was with his work mates. stood with them all for about 3 hours, not a single person talked to me. i made the effort to talk to them but just got blanked. am i some hideous freak? i dont understand. either they were rude or i am not interesting enough. i wonder if poeple reading this who were in the same situation would treat me the smae if they didnt read this blog?

i'd love to see the day when you could read someones blog out in a public place, that way you could tell if they are interesting or just some vapid brainless tart with her head shoved up her rancid tattood arse. i feel really worthless around people like that. this is why i dont like going out in public except at night in parks, becuase of the way people make me feel. i did nt even drink tonight which made me not really approcable. does drink make me appealing? should i take drugs like the rastas in the club? so many questions. i'm just so lonely, if i reach 25 and dont have a girlfriend then... god i dont know. am i past the age where i had the chance before the accident? it would be nice to be worth something to someone. even worth just someone to talk to without all the legal issues getting in the way.



i should be happy on this blog, but all i can think about is hurting myself to make this nagging feeling in my head go away. how can a group of poeple be so unsocialable? clicks. clicks in real life. clicks at work. clicks tonight with other poeples work. there are clicks on the internet forming, ones that i dont feel a part of. there are lots of clicks for music podcasters, queer podcasters, british podcasters and technical podcasters. there is nothing for me as i dont know what category i am in. apple think i am a personal podcaster but i dont feel like i belong anywhere. its my birthday soon and what have i accomplished since last year? nothing. i need a new hobby. work is unrewarding - although i know that pateints are getting good treatment some credit would be nice.

i should be tired, its 2 in the morning and i dont feel like the sofa tonight. iam just too angry. i'm going to keep typing until i fall asleep. the internet is a lonely place. i turn on skype. 2 minutes later people change their skype status to 'do not disturb'. i'm tempted to delete skype from my computer, its just too much like reality for people to blatently turn their back. if you dont wnat me to talk to you just delete me from your list. easy at that. be honest. why did you add me in the first place?



i'm angry with the lady from the bbc who i recorded an interview for her, she promised me she'd answer my questions but never got back. typical 'big media' walking over people. she made fun of me on the air. i didnt mind at first because i thought being on radio one might be fun but now every time i go to podcast i think of their comments. treated me nicely to get her mp3 file, then ignores all my emails. shame on you alice. shame on you. what can i do? nothing. move on to the next sucker.

we dont matter to the bbc. people in new orleans dont matter to the bbc. the blantent injustes in the world dont matter to the bbc. the bbc has bigger fish to fry. they have to report on reality tv hotels, diy and celebraties during prime time. i'm angry at them. thousands of people died in america and kate stinking mosses drug habbits are headline news for the last week. people will turn to the net, not becuase its convient, but because you can pick whats important to you, not some supermodels drugs.



theres 12 episodes of panarama about new orleans waiting to be made by the bbc, but they are wasting money on crap about jonoathan ross and his 'token gay' house band who are just out to make as many cheep jokes about gays as possible and really just make it harder for gay people in the uk to be treated as normal. hell, why doesnt johnothan ross just get the black and white minstrals on his show and make a few twatty racist remarks too to raise some canned laughter? maybe he can make a load of blacks and other minorities the target of a lot of repeated jokes from his wanky show? and who do you complain to? noone.

to add insult to injury the girl i met last weekend gave me a false telephone number that was some thing called bbc radio one flirt divert where they play my personal answerphone messages on the air. isnt there anything better that the bbc can do but humiliate me more?

i'm going to cry as i've had enough of this shitty existance in this shitty town doing this shitty job with shitty friends. there is NO LIGHT at the end of this tunnel. fuck off britian. you suck. your media sucks. you raise people that suck and treat each other like crap. a nation of downtrodden, and why? why am i getting nasty when this isnt like me? look at how youve made me.



i'll be happy tommorw, i'll try and forget this. i just need to get this off my chest. sorry readers. i'll be happy later on i promise. i've just not been myself lately and havent felt like being like this, but today i just thought i should tell you things that have upset me today. and i;ll try and record podcasts if some lying woman from a big media corporation doesnt try and rip any more of my personal thoughts that i choose to share with those who want to listen and parade me around like some freak show.

i'm so sorry.

Roger