Roger Smalls: May 2005

Goodbye dutchess

i'm so sad. its nearly time for my pet pig the Dutchess of Pork to go to her new home. her new owner is coming over in a couple of hours to take her to his house, then i'll be lonely again. i cant stop crying.

goodbye my sweet princess
you may be a swine on the outside
but you are royalty on the inside
i saved you from becoming a sausage
providing you with a palace
i gave you my bed when it was cold
and never let you go without
i will miss those endless summer days
and the endless winter nights
as a piglet you would suckle in my arms
the precious nurishing fluids
memories will never fade
happy times imprinted in my mind bosom
cherishing forever that christmas day
the best christmas of my life
how i laughed when you wore the paper hat
your joy of slipping in the excrement
but those days will be no more
for you are off to pastures new
still i would love to roll with you
trotter in hand
unstrapping your harness
leaving you to wander the garden
the laughter, the smiles, the hugs
goodbye my soul mate sow

Big Brother and reality

big brother starts on tv tonight. the other series i have always been an addict, its so good to get to watch people that are better than you live their lives, watch them argue and see their boobies. i find it facinating. if i could find someone to look after mum i would love to go into the big brother house myself as you get free food and 12 people that are forced to talk to you for a few weeks. it might be a good way to find some true friends because you all have something in common.

but...

since podcasting came along it has meant that the nature of 'reality' in the media is very different. what was once reality for big brother has now lost its edge and isnt real enough. podcasting is very real and has people from all over the world living their lives and recording themselves. how can you tell it is real? becuase some of it is boring, mundane and their lives have hurdles. but life is like that anyway. for example i wouldnt get voted out of my house, which is unreal. i might get evicted for not paying my rent and banging the walls, but not through a telephone vote. much as i'd love my house to have a hot tub installed and be full of 12 trendy people who get drunk and strip naked, sadly that wont happen.

3 months of her - wow!

so if big brother is any good this year and they have a good selection of eye candy and not too many nasty poeple then unfortunatlly this blog and podcast wont be updated for the next 3 months because i'll be glued to E4 for 24 hours a day. seriously.

1 1/2 hours left and thats it, my addiction has started. its also the last night with the dutchess tonight.

Podcast - The Word on the Street

And the word on the street is 'crap'. i went out to burger king tonight as i was feeling flush having just got paid and treated myself to a nice meal. thought i'd talk about the guildford nightlife, except i relised there isnt one. instead i did a soundseeing tour of a road and got rudely interupted by a chav in a baseball cap driving his nova round in circles. every time i saw him coming down the road i hit record as i thought nobody would believe me. girls - whats the appeal in men like that? is guildford the only place in the world like this?

the pride of guildford who spoilt my nice quiet dinner.

Try reading the Chav Scum web site for more about Chavs, Neds, Townies, Kevs, Charvers, Steeks, Spides, Bazzas, Yarcos, Ratboys, Kappa Slappers, Skangers, Scutters, Janners, Stigs, Scallies, Hood Rats.....

Computers

my computer is on its last legs, i'm getting a little fed up with it crashing all the time. i think the internet is only designed to work with modern day computers and not mine. wish i had a new one, think i'll just have to delete everything off it and put windows back on it again. its a shame they dont sell the computers that you always see in all the movies, the ones that do everything in 3D and beep everytime it writes a charector to the screen. mind you that would really get on your nerves if you had to work with them all day with all the beeping and it would make you feel sick having everything spinning round in 3D all the time. they just look so cool, like the ones in CSI, Enemy of the State and James Bond that just do stuff really clever without you even needing to wait 20 minutes for something to happen. you rarely see windows or apple computers on films, its always this operating system i've never heard of that seems to look flash - perhaps its called Movie OS? where can i buy one?

My Computer

Eurovision

Its the one night of the year when gay nightclubs throughout the uk will be deserted and bbc saturday night audience figures will suddently triple. thats right, its the eurovision song contest. everyone is staying in tonight to watch tv (not that they dont usually) to watch a beyone lookalike mime infront of the whole of europe and represent britian. chart music fans will be happy with our entry this year, they sure can dance, not sure how goo dancing makes a song better though. my money is on Moldova, who play a load of weird techno music with bearded men shouting and they have an old lady sitting at the back of the stage in a rocking chair banging a drum. i dont understand what this means and i have been trying to decipher what why they did it but i thought it was very entertaining. i'm also looking forward to malta who has a really nice woman who looks like the winner of eating competitions. what an interesting night in. why am i stuck in watching this? becuase nobody wants to go out, theyd rather watch some cheesy europeans wearing the most over the top glamourus clothes. they need to do a european rock ballard competition, as all of europe used to be so good at producing that type of music, why doesnt anyone record rock ballards any more?

The old lady who bangs a drum for Moldova

Maltas entry

corrupt cop let off driving at 160mph

BBC news story about a smug corrupt police officer

If you are "familiarising" yourself with a new car and have had extra driving lessons then its ok to travel at over twice the speed limit and potentially kill people - according to the courts. They let him off because hes a police officer trained to drive at those speeds. hes also trained to fire guns, i presume that means hes ok to go around shooting people in his spare time because he has a certificate. well the british legal system let him off. the same legal system that doesnt know the difference between paying a co-worker a complement and sexual harressment, charges I'd like to add that were dropped 3 days later. i'm not proud to be british with policemen like this. when is it nessessary for policemen to practice chasing people at this speed? i've never heard of joyriders nicking Thrust 2 or bank robbers flying away in a mig jet. the funny thing is they'll still arrest you for going 32mph in a 30mph zone in this country.

The face of corruption

Loosing a family member

I'm kinda sad and happy, after weeks of phone calls I've think I've finally found a new home for the Dutchess. we've had her for well over a year, i knew it was only a temporary measure when we got her as we originally had her to save her from being put down. now shes grown too big for the house and its costing me a fortune in food to look after and i've had to look around for an owner to look after her. fortunatly there is a family who lives in a village south of guildford who came round earlier on, they have a large plot of land with many animals so would be ideal to look after her. i was so concerned that she would end up with some farmer who would eat her but the man who came round earlier on has 2 daughters who love pigs. he's even said that i can come over and see her if i ring up first. its like loosing a member of the family, but at the same time i'll be getting the house back, the neighbours will stop complaining and i'll have a little more money to buy food for me. 2 weeks left, and she'll be gone. i've still got my tortoise who's coming out of hybernation very soon, and i seem to have adopted a cat from next door who prefers my house.

Podcast - Podcasting for Free

How to podcast for free? this was a question i was asking myself before i started doing all these. as i'm not exactly rolling in the greens i cant afford any clever equiptment, but lucky for me there is a lot of free software and easy to use tools out there to help. i thought i would describe the process i go through to do my totally free podcast.

Step 1 - Recording an mp3 - Either your mobile phone should have a voice notes / dictation feature. after you have recorded your podcast on this then you can use a cable to copy over your recording to the computer. either that or buy a microphone. you can plug your headphones into the microphone socket in the back of the computer and record but it sounds muffled. COST £0.00 as i already own a mobile phone

Step 2 - Start a blog - I recommend www.blogger.com. Its nice and easy to use for people like me. COST £0.00

Step 3 - Create your feedburner feed - Use the feedburner website to create your XML button - go to www.feedburner.com . COST £0.00

Step 4 - Upload your podcast - I recommend http://rizzn.net , slow but totally free. I would check out to see if the people who provide your internet dialup or broadband give you any space on their computer as they are a lot faster. COST £0.00

Step 5 - Post everything. Remember to say stuff that people might find interesting. I havent got a clue about what people want me to say so i just prattle on. Thats the thing though, there must be thousands of interesting people out there with a message / product - I would love to hear from them. COST £0.00

TOTAL PRICE £0.00

So my conclusion is that you can podcast for free, I have proved that there are free tools out there to do the job, and I dont know that much about the codes either. If I had a little money to spare I would like to buy a nice microphone and some box of tricks that means i can talk and play music and play those funny noises and laser beam sounds like commercial radio and Jan Polett. But for now I'm content with the quality, hope you all are too. I think its what you say, not how you say it.

The future of courtship

The chicken and egg situation gets worse. I am surrounded by adverts of prettygirls in magazines and surrounded by adverts for viagra in emails. The future of mankind is at risk, I think we are producing a race of men who can only aroused by a steady cocktail of drugs and women who have been airbrushed. I predict in 2010 the sex industry will be run by dutch chemists and computer artists publicised by millions of spam emails.

it must come as a shock to all the FHM magazine readers when they get a nice young lady back to their house after a romantic evening and find that the girls have bags under their eyes, their arse isnt a size 2 and their tits are heading south for the winter. Bring back the ordinary girls, thats what i say. i'd be happy with a girl as long as she is nice to talk to, i'm not bothered about all this hosery business. if a computer virus hit copies of photoshop worldwide it might do us all a favour and present people for who they really are. if people spent as much time on their personalities as they do on their hairsytles then i think i wouldnt have had that run in with that lass on saturday night who has left me emotionally bemused.

Ben Afflick - he doesnt care about how scraggy his women are

Being underneath

went out last night with some people from work and one of them tried to fix me up with his sister which was very kind of him, but i felt a little awkward. we got chatting (if it is possible to chat in Yates on a saturday night) - i wont mention her name - and brought her a drink, when she found out that i was only working in a low paid job she treated me very differently and said the words 'my friends would disown me if they found out i was talking to someone beneath me', and left.

is this my fault for not being good enough? is it her fault for being worried about her friends? is it her friends fault for being too judgemental? it got me thinking about how good a person is depending on how much they earn. is someone who earns millions better that someone who is on a normal wage? i dont know. put a bit of a dampner on the evening really and alcohol acts as a mood enhancer, not changer - so i ended up very glum by the erection section and didnt feel like asking anyone to dance.

maybe the way to be successful with the opposite sex is to be snobby and put down people in public? is that the secret to a 'bad boy's suceess as they always get the nice girls and treat them badly? i didnt think that it had got to me but he comment has been going through my head all day. why would someone say that?

George Bush attacked by a cloud

What was I doing when this story happened? I think the media kept the quiet as its kinda crazy:

http://www.hindu.com/thehindu/holnus/003200504291591.htm

I cant beleive they rushed George Bush into a bunker, started up some anti aircraft missiles and scrambled a Black Hawk helicopter just because they thought a cloud was going to attack him. I feel so sorry that Americans are being led by this guy, my concern is that this man might start world war three the next time it snows. God help us all.

Public Enemy Number One

We'll all be safe from adverse weather conditions with George at the healm

Podcast - Music and podcasting

Over the last few weeks I've noticed that my listening habits have changed, mainly due to the podcasting scene. So i thougth i'd talk a bit about music and things in this podcast.

My shownotes...

Time Life Ultimate Love Songs Collection - play one of these CD's to the lady in your life and she'll be creaming in her silks.
Spacemusic Podcast - relaxing music and soundseeing tours presented by a nice man from the netherlands
Radio Clash - great mashups and everything explained about them by a nice man who is very passionate about them and knows his stuff. John Peel in the making, I wish he did it daily.
Yeast 2 - Madge Weinsteins channel for anyone and everyone.
Jason Fladiowitch from the Cotton Cliddies - he is a great musician and writes music for Madge Weinstein. does anyone thing if i bribe him with a bag of drugs he will will make me a theme song?
Podsafe music - a feed that plays a bit of everything.

A golden era of music

Cheer up lads, it might never happen. Calling your album 'Terrorist Threats' isnt going to help sell enough records to buy you some more guns is it now?

By the way, if you have any ideas for podcasts that you would like me to do then please email me to roger_smalls@hotmail.co.uk or leave comments below, i dont know what anyone wants me to talk about really - my goal is to get 40 listeners by the end of this month though!!! When feedburner says 100 then i'll release some pictures of me, thats a promise! They will only be of my face though.

Amazing barbie photographs

http://flickr.com/photos/violentz/sets/273157/

please stop bullying me

i shouldnt post a blog entry when i'm depressed, but i'm really upset today as of the guys at work have been joking around with me that i'm still a virgin at my age. it really upsets me as i thought it would be a good thing to wait until i'm married or just the right girl came along. is that old fashioned? maybe i should just drink a lot this saturday night when we all go out, let my friends fix me up with someone, close my eyes and hope for the best. just get it out of the way. i know that by the age of 23 these days a man is meant to have over 20 sexual partners, but just one would be good enough for me, i'm not greedy. i've kissed 7 girls in my life, 2 at a new years eve party 1999, 3 at a new years eve party in 2003 and then 2 last year at a new years eve party in 2004. i didnt get their names though and they were just strangers in a crowd of people. it was plesant. why is it that bad men get all the girls? the word virgin is such a harsh word, are there any nicer ones? i'm in a blue funk tonight and need cheering up. if anyone has anything funny you've found on the web please post it up on my comments board.

panic attack issues

was talking to my therapist last night about some of my issues and think i hav made some real progress. did some 'role playing' with him to see how i would cope in certain situations, think it helped to visualise the problem and my reactions safely with someone else.

TV Police shows

i've been watching CSI recently, that tv show is very clever, theres nothing better than a good murder. the one thing i dont understand is how come the forsenic officers in real life dress up in a big white costume so they dont pollute the crime scene, whilst TV's CSI team always go in with their glamourous suits, giant big hairstyles, fancy trousers and a torch. they are always using torches, even though its broad daylight or they are standing next to a light switch. now i'm not an educated person, i;m roger smalls, but i know a waste of batteries when i see one. and another thing, all the policemen on that show drive expensive hummers (on their wages). the only police in this country who drive nice cars like that are obviously on the take. it sickens me. columbo. now thats what i call a detective.

An actual CSI person. Note the novel use of a clean white suit - he's actually wearing one. (is that a codpiece?)

CSI New Yorks' botox riddled Vanessa Ferlito. Hardly appropriate dress when there are corpses knocking around. mind you i wouldnt say no.

CSI New Yorks' boggly eyed Gary Sinese and Sarah Jessica Parker - if you combed her big curly ringlet permed hair you would solve 6 murders alone with all the evedence accumulated over the years. wear a hairnet you inaccurate accress.

no wonder the police are always jailing innocent people, they are polluting evidence with their hairspray, starch and lipstick. science was never glamourous at school, i work in a scientific envioronment and dont get so much as a wiff of totty, espeically Vanessa Ferlito lookalikes. Hattie Jacques more like.

Lazy sunday afternoon

I wish! Had a very late one last night talking on skype, that software is great, so are some of the people on there too. I've had a few ideas of how to use Sykpe for podcasts which i'll try recording and post up soon. Went to the gym this morning for a couple of hours. on the way back i popped round to one of the old ladies who lives opposite to see how shes doing, she is by herself and sometimes cant manage with things. i offered to mow her lawn (she has a 10 foot patch infront of her house - see below for a rough idea of the size), she sounded delighted, offered me a cake, took me into her 50 acre 'field' behind the house and left me to it. ended up mowing her lawn and putting up some shelves too. 4 hours later I've got splinters, hayfever and one massive appitite. just waiting for dinner to cook then i'll be a happy bunny. if you know any old people nearby its worth taking the time to see if they are ok. just dont offer to mow their lawn.

Front garden

Back Garden

Podcast - Thursdays comedy night trip

went to my first comedy night trip on thursday evening after the voting. sorry for not posting this up sooner, my life has been hectic recently, but I thought i'd record some of the comedy evening.

once again, bad recording quality. when i get a chance i'll record one at home where things are a bit quieter rather than on main roads, busy pubs and echoie toilets.

i couldnt think of a picture relating to comedy, but these pictures of men in underwear make me laugh:

Podcast - UK Voting Soundseeing tour

took my mobile phone with me and recorded my trip to the polling booth this evening. sorry about the quality, doont know how to clean it up. very quick and easy, i was in and out of there in a flash! i gotta run as i'm going to be late for comedy night. when i get back i'll see if i've made a difference.

Googles Web Accelerator

Wow, it works too! - http://webaccelerator.google.com

Skype rant

Whats the point in installing Skype if you dont have a microphone? Last night i tried calling loads of poeple plus left it on skype me, what happens? Everyone sends me text messages. thats like buying a mobile phone contract without owning a mobile phone.

oh well,, busy day today, training course at work followed by voting, then i've been invited to go to a comedy night. never been to one before, very nervous. but should be funny. which is to be expected otherwise i want my money back.

have a nice day everyone.

Podcast - Rogers Big Election

Its election fever at the moment, on friday we all get a chance to vote for who will be the next prime minister. I've been sitting in the canteen today thinking long and hard about this and thought I would record this special election podcast to explain to people who are not from england about the general election and what it means to me. if you are british you'll be sick to death of the election so probably dont bother listening.