Saturday, November 29, 2008

selfish large corporations

i just read on the side of a box "Tetley - we don't make tea for anyone else". it immediataly reminded me of this miserable sourfaced battleaxe i work with who doesn't make the tea for anyone else either when its her turn during breaktimes and we all hate her for it. this is not behavour which Tetley ought to be advertising if they are anything like that selfish old witch who cant be bothered to knock up a quick brew for everyone on the line, you think tetley would know better given their business.

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Friday, November 28, 2008

terrible news

i have just seen the news and the horrible things that have happened in India. it makes me so sad,why do people do such bad things to other human beings? these attacks were clearly organised and not a spur of the moment thing, surely one of the many people doing this had some rational thoughts and knew it was wrong. my thoughts go out to the victims at this time and wish them all the best.

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Tuesday, November 25, 2008

christmas shopping

i was stuck in HMV today behind a woman who was buying a brain training computer game and a high school musical DVD . would watching the two cancel each other out?

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Monday, November 24, 2008

ahoy me heartys

in preparation for the next national 'talk like a pirate day' i will be learning somalian.

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Saturday, November 22, 2008

BBC, banks and bailouts are all connected

it seems right now that the only way to get things done in the united kingdom is for record numbers of outraged licence fee payers to leave a comment on the bbc web site. it has suddenly become the only gauge for something being morrily or politically correct when enough "Appalled from Conventry" type people leave blog comments saying how they shat themselves after a cloud resembling a giant arse appeared on a recent episode of Spooks.

the internet has made it easier to complain about things, if i saw something which offended me on the TV 10 years ago i would have calmed down long before forking out for the price of a stamp and posting it to Points of View ---- these days its as easy as clicking a link on the Daily Mail web site. i can see the danger with 'e-goverment' is that it'll soon be too easy to complain about trivial things to our polititions who be bogged down with hundreds of thousands of emails about individual pot holes, noisey bin men, lollypop ladies not smiling and cracks in the pavements.

several thousands of poeple rencenly left hysterical messages with the BBC when russell brand left manuel from fawlty towers an answer phone message un-tactfully introducing himself as his granddaughter new boyfreind. However, John Cleese hit the same bloke over the head with a telephone, repeatedly kicked him, made zenophobic jokes and at one point set the poor imagrant on fire after throwing a giant blamonge on his head - not a single complaint then and that was in the olden days.

today i read that 170,000 people left messages on the bbc web site complaining about the outcome of a game show. 170 thousand poeple with the nothing better to do than be bitterly outraged at the outcome of 'Strictly Come Dancing'... but to put that in perspective only 108 people left concerned messages on a recent article about the state of the budget and economy. we all deserve to loose our homes if we are more worried about the outcome of a dance contest than interest rates being higher than adam curry on holiday in columbia, the poeple in the UK are living in a dream world.

but when the bailiffs come knocking at least those 108 people can safely say they warned us, shame on the rest of you who were too busy with the outcome of a reality tv show to care about your money.

the irony is that they could have affected the outcome of their own reality prior to loosing their house by expressing their outrage the only way they know how. now gordon brown can stand up in the houses of parliment and say that only 108 of the nations constituents could be arsed about finances - so poo to you all, no amount of foxtrotting is going to help the fact you will be spending your christmas day noshing off sailors to help pay the mortgage this year.

for some reason licence fee payers want to be treated more like shareholders in the bbc. they each pay around 100 pounds a year thinking they run the joint. if they want to spend 100 a year to watch exactly what they want then i suggest a blockbusters membership card then we don't have to all put up with the same bland tripe that they call entertainment. if they really want to use this shareholders argument then it will take a majority of said shareholders to make decisions about what happens on the TV - 51% or more of the country will need to sign on to the BBC web site to get presenters sacked, dance contests overruled and full frontal nudity on daytime TV for when I'm working nights.

i am no expert when it comes to the census, but looking at the numbers - thats 170 thousand poeple out of the 60 million TV owners in the UK - and thats not a majority. this is in fact a lot less than the newspaper headlines claims of an 'overwhelming shocked majority of the country' to put things in proportion this would be more like 'a couple of arseholes next door who complain to the police every time my hamster farts too loud'.

i would like to point out two other shining examples of corporations run by shareholders - banks and car manufacturers who addmittedly havent had a very good time of things recently. its easy to predict a goverment funded BBC bailout looming, with the channel promising to pay back every penny of a proposed 70 billion pound loan with a 12 part series of Gavin and Stacy with interest paid back in the form of a christmas special in HD. i'll personally vote for that bailout - but only if it i get my daytime quota of full frontal which shouldn't overlap with any episodes of Gavin and Stacy.

i think the bbc needs to be run more like a dictatorship than the quivvering mouse. the director general needs to make an iron fist and make decisions that he sticks by and that we The People do not question and looking to leaders like stalin, pol pot and banatyne for inspiration. Life would be in put into perspective, a whopping 170,000 people would rise up to complain about loosing their homes, a mere 108 mentally ill people would complain about Sequin Idol and we'd all finally get a good glimpse of Amanda Lambs hanging bacon on primetime telly.

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Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Post Gastric Bypass Love‏

here is a poem i recently wrote about a husbands love for his wife after having part of her bowel removed...........

Dance with me my mongoloid bride
Between these three walls of our trailer
For tonight we celebrate your hospital liberation
And freedom to wipe your own arse without a mop

We airlifted you to freedom
Like a cow in a swimming pool
Gracefully you swung like a sweaty Eros
Blubber insulating you from the pylon

That fried black pudding that took away your freedom
That 'one more mayonnaise bucket' that took away your dignity
That fireman that cut away your bedroom wall
They will never take away your love, nor your abdominal catheter

You were always a glutton for pleasure
No matter what vapors were given off
Sure, customers were eating behind the curtain
But who cares who craps in buckets these days

Waddle closer sweet buffet queen
Pull down your compression stockings
For legs and eggs are on the menu tonight
Your varicose thighs spell out our destiny

The tarp once used
To haul your arse to the clinic
We now roll in together
Capturing rogue fluids

Your body rippling naked
Beneath the twinkling lights of the pinball machine
The creases where mushrooms once grew
Now guide my hands to apply cream to your sores

May this rent-free vehicle serve as a future home
To our beautiful hybrid offspring
Mississippi, John and Skip
All named from where they where conceived

Who will eat this flaccid Ivan?
Flat like the tires of our home
Now springs proud like a diving board
As you dangle suspended in the harness of rubber

Sure, we;ll have onlookers for the next five minutes
But the dogging community were always welcome
Rubberneckers, whale watchers, truckers and hoggers
All have front row seats to this Colosseum of passion

For now our love can blossom
Thanks to a simple routine bowel operation
Baby, I'm addicted to your crack
So hit me with fiber mustache beeeeyatch

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

YOU are the cause of this recession

now that winter draws in and people stay indoors there is less to do on the streets so i will start using my computer instead. a lot of things have changed since i last wrote my blog on a regular basis . i no longer process blood, urine and fecal matter for the health service and since i got out i have been working very long hours doing factory work and having nothing to show for it.

i do miss how easy office work was and now i am doing real work highlights just how easy an office job can be when you sit by a computer all day and pretend to work when you are in fact using internet explorer instead. maybe the reason why windows is more popular than apple in offices is becauase it can multitask between excel, msn messenger and solitare quicker than you can say 'the boss is coming'. however it is more obvious to my boss when i'm meant to be in charge of a convayer belt but reading todays paper that i am not working, and this could cause me to loose my job and yet another coleegue to loose their finger whereas its easy in offices to get away with a few extra windows on the screen. i do miss the 30+ funny emails a day though.

in a way i feel cheated that i am earning ten times less than i did at a desk but working ten times harder. plus i dont get to sit down any more, tea and wank breaks are a lot shorter and those special times that make up the fabric of the office calender are not observered either; the times when entire days are devoted to non-productive messing around in the name of good causes andd festivities (comic releaf, children in need, bring your child to work day, december). although these help cover the bottom of a bucket with 5 pence coins for ethopians they atually cost the british businesses billions in lost time for the sake of the accounts department dressing up in bondage gear for the day, i would call this industial sabatage. instead charitys should blackmail bosses into coughing up a few thousand pounds in return for NOT distracting their staff with sponsored custard pie fights and baked bean baths to raise awareness of global hunger.

these charitys might also havve a word with the BBC who seem hell bent on sabotaging their own TV schedule by replacing their un-funny serious shows with un-funny comedy versions. the only thing i found funny was an unintentional Eastenders special where the actor who plays a peodofile called Tony who seriously said the line 'i cant wait to do special things for children in need tonight'. that i think was a bad choice of charector and line given the occasion and only one step away from the bbc rolling out gary glitter on stage singing about gang bangs with etheopian babies on his knee. i am suprised that the daily mail havnt picked up on the eaasteners mistake yet but give them a few more days of no one else caring , run a horror story and then 30 thousand people who never saw it will complain to the prime minister resulting in eastenders taken off the air for 6 months and the live culling of terry wogan in public.

anyway if you are reading this in an office between the hours of 9 to 5 then i hold you personally responisble for contributing to your company and countrys demise. although people like me do not earn as much as you we work harder - a lot harder. compared to my laast office jobs and everyone i know talking about what they dont do at work i have seen this with my own eyes, today, whilst breaking my back lifting heavy boxes non stop in a florecent lit factory with horrible Eagle FM competing to the noise of heavy machinery during an 8 til late shift.

now stop reading this and get some work done

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Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Important reminder to Republican Christians

Jesus wasn't white either


i have recovered my password so can now blog. i have been away for a while.

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