Thursday, January 27, 2011

spraying men

i am just watching the news on the riots in eygpt and noticed they are using water cannons. i always wondered about why riot police use water canons, espiecially in a hot country where i thought it would be quite nice to be cooled down. if you watch Ibiza Uncovered which is also based in a hot country even the girls seem to be up for being hosed down in white tshirts. water is a nice fluid, but it is also very expensive and rare in the desert.

you can buy bottled water for 3 pounds in some shops whereas wetherspoons sell cheap beer for around 1.20 a pint. beer smells aweful and if you get a pint spilled over you it's time to go home before the stain settles in. water drys out in 10 minutes and you can always put a wet patch down to excitement which is hardly a deterrant during a riot. maybe it would be cheaper and more effective to use beer in riot controls, especially in eygpt where it's illegal to drink. everyone would have to go home quickly before they got arrested for smelling of booze. i dont know, i am confused. maybe just use piss which is free.

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Monday, January 24, 2011

oh no Jack LaLanne is dead

I am very sad to hear that the antique bodybuilder Jack LaLanne has died today. here is my farewell poem.

Pumping iron all your life
Inventor of the power juicer
Now pumping in the clouds
Shower me with your juice

farewell jack.

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Thursday, January 20, 2011

miserable starbucks

i went to starbucks today to try out my new netbook with the wireless and talk to other customers doing the same thing. there were lots of people using laptops on facebook not talking to anyone, i dont know why that is called social networking.

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Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Tears for Peirs

In the same way that we gave miximatosis to australia and smallpox to africa we’ve now helped the spread of Peirs Morgan to american tv. Why they’d want a person who only talks about himself as a chat show host is beyond all comprehension. i guess when they saw an untalented ponce judging a talent show they thought he must be a mirical worker. I feel sad that decrepid tortoise Larry King has been fired, but looking on the bright side Peirs Morgan is now several thousand miles further away from a british TV camaera.

ricky gervais was at the oscors this week for saying some funny things to room full of collegues with no sense of humour. apparently they dont like him very much in america any more so if we could have him back that would be nice. i suggest a kind of celebraty exchange between the US and Britian (simaler to ones involving spies) in which give them katie price in return for getting ricky gervais back. they can keep posh spice as we dont want her.

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Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Binge for minge

I am very angered by the goverments announcement that they will be detering binge drinking by making drinks more expensive. I rely on cheap alcholol both as a way of forgetting how bad things really are and stand little chance of finding the girl of my dreams in a nightclub full of sober women.

a new hope

if i were to go out on a night out with Ed Miliband i am sure he would realise that men like us cannot attract women without plying them with alcohol and lies first. now that his new law is in place it will cost Ed and I a weeks rent in Smirnoff just to start a converstation up with a couple of nice skanks at the bar. Ed is thinking about goverment policy with his wallet, not the concequences with his heart.

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Friday, January 14, 2011

dead birds

maybe i have january blues but it feels like the world is falling to bits with all the floods, shootings, political unrest and now dead birds. i felt very unhappy when the neighbours cat killed a pigeon and left its carcus in the paddling pool, these storys make me a million times sadder. i am not a scientist or criminologist but maybe it the deaths are caused by hungry cats or the clay pigeon equivelant to the Washington Sniper. i make buscuits instead. personally all is going ok, i still have a job, no incidents since june 2010, a roof over my head and mother is in good health but if God is reading this it would be nice for something good to happen in the world by february, especially for the dead birds.

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Thursday, January 13, 2011


i feel very lucky to live in one of the few cities in the world that isnt under 6 feet of water today. most of todays news is presented going from one helicopter to another looking down at floods and makes mme really sad that its happening around the world. here are some songs to cheer up those who are affected.

cry me a river - justin timberlake
the flood - take that
lifeline - spandau ballet
rescue me - maddona
purple rain - prince
i'll sail this ship alone - the beautiful south
river deep, mountain hight - ike and tine turner
dam, i wish I was your lover - sophie B hawkings

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Tuesday, January 11, 2011

proof that sarah palin condones violance

i was discussing american matters tonight and i am still very confused by sarah palin. she and her supporters suggested that she has never condoned violance but watching the news today about the wikiman Julian Assange it reminded me she once said the following about him.....

"Why was he not pursued with the same urgency we pursue al Qaeda and Taliban leaders?"

i am not an expert on military tactics but from what i gather the methods used to persue those guys usually involve guns - and it doesnt end too well for the taliban. they certainly aren't attacked with peashooters, given a slap on the wrist and made to sit on the naughty step. without reading too much into it i think sarah palin might be have been insighting violence from patriots. my medical advisor suggests that i let this one go and concentrate on breathing.

a clear message condoning violance

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Monday, January 10, 2011

tea party FAIL

i am very shocked by the news of the shootings in america of a crazy man who saw sarah palins hit-list of politicians and took the tea party motto of 'taking back america' a bit too seriously resulting in a horrifec shooting.

my prediction about the tea party fading out over 2011 is coming true but i did not expect it to be over within the second week in january. there is no way that the tea party will be able to hold its head up high after causing this. shooting an astronaughts wife in the head is as unamerican as burning the flag, crapping on the whitehouse lawn or eating healthy food.

i am very worryed that this is going to get worse before it gets better. there is no worry of liberal revenge as the chances of finding a tea party candidate with a brain to put a bullet through are non-existant. to watch a nice country with so much potential tear itself apart makes me sad and i am concerned that thinggs are heading that way over here in england.

my genuine condolances go out to all those affected by this irrosposible hate crime, sarah palin and fox news have blood on their hands.

taking back america

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Sunday, January 09, 2011

the north face

i am confused as to why north face jacketts have the north face logo on the back at not on the front. in the world of property and sex the rear entrance is typically accossiated with the south face, not the north. the company who makes these overpriced jackets for pompous people should either rebrand or move the logo on the front to prevent any further confusion and anger.

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Thursday, January 06, 2011

american double standards

i watched the news today about the BP oil spill inqury with some angry americans waving pictures of dying birds covered in oil waving "corporate profit" placards. all this took place outside a KFC. sometimes i think people just like to bash the british for the sake of it.

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Wednesday, January 05, 2011

those who think scottish music has died

sheena easton has still got it

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Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Milibands Fury

The matt and luke of politics have been hard at it in the news today giving their angery opinion about the VAT increase and complaining that it will hit the poor hardest. on behalf of the poor i have to disagree, it only takes a quick look at the adverage shopping list to disagree with this blatent tory snobbery.

how my average shop is affected

  • 1 pint of blue milk - 43p (last week), 45p (today)
  • beef hula hoops - 45p (the other day), 46p (today)

  • pack of scotch eggs - 99p (last week), £1.00 (today)

  • Total increase = 4p

how elton johns average shop will be affected

  • flowers - £293,000 (a few years ago), £299,234 (today)
  • contemporary photograph by Hungarian modernist Andre Kertesz - £233,851 (April 1997), £238,826 (after)

  • Rolls-Royce Corniche - £230,943 (Jan 2000) , £235,856 (today)

  • Total increase = £16,122

as you can see i am only 4 pence worse off, whereas poor elton john has just taken a massive hit to his pocket. 4 pence isnt that bad . i can recoup that by fishing around in a urinal but sir elton would have to do far worse in a public toilet to cover a 16 thousand pound shopping trip and david funish wouldnt be best pleased either .

although i like dweeb miliband he needs to think twice before opening his bizarrely shaped mouth claiming that the rich aren't affected, he is just trying to get votes by fearmongering the poor. he should save his complaints for the next time he's on ticketmaster and finds the elton john gig is up by 500 quid to cover the price hike.

i used some old receipts and the 20% VAT difference calculator to work out these sums - . things arent all that bad.

Barry and Paul Miliband

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Monday, January 03, 2011

Next year your computer may stop working

iphone alarm clocks arent the only expensive peice of technologyy to fail in 2011. I have owned a brand new netbook for little over a week and it is already running really slow and low on storage space.

there is a rule called 'moores law' which states computers have to be faster and tinyer every year, however with the sheer volume of pornography availble to download even the fastest computers cannot cope. I guess when moore wrote his rule he forgot to include prettygirls with low self esteem and a webcam into the equasion. I have therefore created a new law to append the existing one which i hope the people who make dells, windows and apples will take heed.

Moores law

Every year computers get twice as fast, twice as small and twice as cheap. usually just after youve just brought a new one.

Smalls law

Every year the amount of grot and spam increases and slows down your computer by about three times as much.


as the huge amount of internet scud videos triples it will overtake the capability of even the fastest of microchips. i predict in the year 2020 computers will be so slow they will only be able to perform rudementary calculations taking several hours to add up, multiply and divide. but at least you;ll be able to rub one off while you wait. the helpline suggested reinstalling windows but for now i am going to have to delete a lot of old music i think , hope i will still be able to blog.

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Sunday, January 02, 2011

celebrity crime spree report

why do the police do NOTHING when music stars sing about committing crimes? rap music lyrics are littered with boasts about selling the drugs and poopin' caps in arses yet this is not admissable as evidence in court.

i am listening to the Barrocades song by Spandex Ballet and i note with interest that tony hadley sings about making love on a wasteland. for this action he gets millions in record sales, a Brit award and more women than you can throw a stick it. i got cautioned for dogging. another example of one rule for them and another rule for everyone else.

tony hadley - a one man crime wave

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Saturday, January 01, 2011

Five fading fads in 2011

with all journalists compiling 'best-of' lists over the new year and not covering any actual news i have decided to make my own.I thought of loads more than five but it started looking like a serial killers hate list so i stopped, if anything happened to any of these on the list i would be prime suspect.

I cant see twitter taking off on mobile telephones as the last time i tried it i was landed with a massive phone bill,people will just stick to text messages. From what i understand facebook is worse as it not only has people posting benale trivia but games posting benale trivia too.
when twitter goes bankrumpt in 2011 for not getting round to doing a business plan it will be forced to switch off perminanlty and this will cause headline news for weeks on end. Currently when twitter goes down for 5 minutes it triggers headline news causing TV networks to rush out and interview official spokesperson stephen fry to help him express himself. but if twitter survives for another year then the 140 charectors will be shortened to 70 when its users attention spans and IQs drop even further.

even gay men have annoying birds

The tea party
although i know very little about running a country i do know that a political party run by a TV news network that claims it can solve americas problems by complaining about the opposition is bad. The phrase 'Teabagging' also conjures up rude images in my mind involving rush limbarhg, sarah palin and crouching.

the tea party

I once thought i had been invited to a flashmob but it turned out it was a wrong number, i just went to the bus station and met a confused old lady. if you dont know what a flashmob is, it is where lots of random peeople suddenly turn up in a public place, do something annoying and loud and generally get in the way. the equivelant in the olden days would be a group of french exchange students suddenly blocking the esculators at the shopping center, except T-mobile wouldnt be there to film it for a commercial.

when flashmobs go bad

With rupert murdoch spending all his money on the teabaggers he;ll have to close myspace down and emos will not have anywhere else to go. As they cannot go out in direct sunlight and are always committing suicide their numbers will be extinct this time next year.

some emos

Davina maccall
The most humane thing any of us can wish for is that she;ll die quickly and peacefully.


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